Overcoming

This past week for me has been about stretching my own limits. Facing my fears. Discovering pain. Frustration. Grief. Realizing once again the shortness and insecurity of my own life.

It began last Wednesday with the death of my Great Grandma.  The week spiraled into a flurry of rearranging plans, organizing and trying to make arrangements.  Mom and Katie and Steph and I left early Friday morning to head to Great Grandma's house where we helped other family members go through her things.  Some of it we gave away.  Some we kept as mementos.  Some we wondered at.  Many, many things sparked "do you remember when's?"  We laughed and cried and missed her and Great Grandpa a whole lot.

So, we had the funeral, and we said good-bye at the grave.

And we came home worn out and emotionally exhausted and trying to imagine that we could just go back to 'normal' life.

But, I decided I should probably pay attention to the sore throat I've had for a few days, that wasn't going away and was awfully reminiscent of the strep I've already had twice this year.  My younger siblings all had strep only a week ago, and I guess I didn't stay away like I thought I did... ooops...

So, I never went back to work this week.  Instead I'm staying home and resting and reading and sleeping and thinking a lot.

Frustration is an underlying emotion that goes hand in hand with grief.  It also hangs out with sickness and depression.

Which just gives me one more thing to overcome....

Life Changing

it's amazing how fast life can change. I was working at Mom's this morning, doing computer work, filing paperwork, and such. I left to go to work at the flower shop at noon, where I immediately loaded up the station wagon and started delivering flowers. 10 minutes into delivering I noticed a missed call on my phone. HOME... so, I dialed the number back. I figured it wasn't anything big, since I had just been there 15 minutes ago.

Joe answered the phone: "Hello?"
Me: "Hey! somebody just called me?"
Joe: "Uh, yeah, mom did. here she is... oh, never mind. she can't talk right now."
Me: "ok... is everything ok?" (his voice sounded REALLY wierd...)
Joe: "no. it's not ok."
Me: "what's wrong??"
Joe: "You need to talk to mom, and she can't talk right now. bye."
*hangs up phone*

so.... I panicked. I was all the way on the other side of town from home and I spent the whole drive getting myself more and more worked up thinking about all of the terrible possibilites.

I had pretty much convinced myself something tragic had probably happened to one of the kids when I arrived home and saw Dad's truck parked half in the driveway, half in the street. I ran inside and was partially relieved to find Sarah Beth calmly eating lunch in her high chair.

I demanded that Joe tell me what had happened, and he did. My last living Great Grandma had just died. It was a blow. She hadn't been sick, and it was totally unexpected.

So, after holding mom for a while and trying to finish my deliveries without crying too much, I headed back to the shop, and punched out for the day.

And I just kept thinking about how fast things change. In the blink of an eye, out of the blue my whole world went careening crazily. I'll never forget that terror as I drove home KNOWING something terrible had happened. And the realization that our lives are not ours to control, and that everything can change in a second and we may never know what hit us.

I'm going to miss Grandma. I'm especially sad because she always told me she wanted to live to see Great Great Grandchildren, and I really wanted her to... It could have been possible.

But, I also know that she has been miserable since Great Grandpa died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago. So, I know they are happy again, together. My sisters and I laughed when we imagined them driving around to visit all of their friends in heaven, since that's exactly what they loved to do here on earth!

Days like today...

make me feel like whining all day.

rain, rain, rain, SO windy, and freeeeezing cold. evidently my boss has decided to cut expenses by cutting out the heating bill. it was only 53 degrees today in the shop. brrrr....

so, I want to whine and cry and blow my nose and go home and get a big comforter and 20 cups of hot chocolate.

into every life a little rain must fall
some days must be cold and dark and dreary

then I'm reminded I don't have it so bad... when the man who lost his wife 2 weeks ago to a horrible skin cancer comes into the shop to pay his bill. he's dealing with his grief in a different way... he wants to talk. a lot. so, I listen. and I think... I don't have it so bad...