Way back last December I published an article called The War Between The Sexes
The following question was left in the comment section of that article (on the The IDD Blog) and I have not addressed it yet. Frankly because I had no idea how to answer.
Here's the question:
What is a girl to do when she hears other girls putting guys down? Comments in their defense can be misconstrued, but to stand by silently can be equal to condoning the behavior. I've been there more than once. Do you have suggestions or examples to share of things that have worked for you?
It's really not so much of an issue for me, personally, anymore. I'm 27 and I don't know many guys my age. When I hear girls making disparaging remarks about boys I can usually safely speak up in the guys' defense just on the foundation of being A) older and B) obviously NOT defending a guy because I have feelings for him. But, I clearly remember being in my teens and the awkwardness of being involved in these conversations.
Essentially you have two choices in such a situation. You can say nothing. In which case you may know that you don't approve but most likely no one else will. And if you aren't going to voice your disapproval, it will be assumed that you approve. OR, you can say SOMETHING. But, what to say? How do you speak up in the defense of the defenseless without looking like you have hidden agendas?
Going against the grain is difficult in any situation. And I'm definitely one of those people that avoids debate at all costs. But, when we look at the big picture we have to realize how harmful this kind of talk can be. Girls that put down guys by way of scornful remarks and ridicule them behind their backs are harming themselves more than the guys in the long run. Let's face it. We NEED guys. This world could not continue without guys. Every girl wants to get married someday, right? Does she plan to continue these kind of remarks with regards to her husband? I hope not.
In matters of speaking up for truth, and taking the side of righteousness I hope you will never hesitate. Sometimes taking the less popular side can be equal to stepping into the line of fire. It can open you up to even more ridicule.
Believe me. I've been there. But, someone must stand on the side of righteousness. Be the one that's a cut above the normal. I'd like to encourage you to take the road less travelled. Ask the question "What Would Jesus Do?" It's worth it in the end.
There are sometimes ways of addressing these issues without going full tilt into rebuking the offenders. It really depends on the situation and the people involved of course, but I would encourage you to try to develop some diplomatic and kind ways of addressing disparaging attitudes and remarks without causing offense. You do NOT want to start a war or make anyone feel bad because they made a remark in a bad moment.
These tips should go for any situation, not just standing up for the guys. Sometimes guys say things about girls that should be refuted. Sometimes children say things about parents, or vice versa. Strive to be a peacemaker in any situation.
Some tips:
Don't:
Adopt a "Holier-Than-Thou" attitude.
Beat a dead horse. If you've made your point and people choose not to listen that's their problem (to put it bluntly).
Do:
Speak up if you feel a situation is getting out of control.
Try to be a peacemaker
Does anyone have any experiences they would like to share?
Or, questions?
Leave them in the comments!
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My experience:
About 3 years ago, a singles group at our church was started because all of a sudden, it seemed that there was a lot of us that were out of college and single. It was basically started for fellowship. There were several guys that I had labeled in my mind "un-date-able."
Then, I found the book "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?" The author said (in a chapter) how she was labeling men as "potentials", "just buddies", and "no ways". But, in Christ, they are all brothers and we should treat them as such. It helped me learn how to treat these guys that I found "no ways". Especially this one guy in particular. **None** of the girls like him...yes, he may be a little different. However, my brother has befriended him of late and found out that he's really sold-out to the Lord. He's a fervent soulwinner, etc...and that has changed my perspective. I have made an effort to be kind and polite to him.
I'm saying all that to say that in this situation, I have tried to make a difference with my attitude and hopefully, it will affect others around me. And, if this topic ever comes up in a conversation, I would be willing to address it.
^good for you! i hope you do get a chance to address it as it seems in this guys case it could make a difference for him if everyone would adopt your attitude. :)
In some ways, I feel like "I'm-not-going-to-stand-up-because-they'll-think-I'm-harboring-a-crush" is just a lame excuse. Not always, mind you. I've been accused for standing up, and it is true that it happens. But one thing I learned was to make it clear that you're not standing up for one guy, but rather ALL of the guys. Usually, when girls talk guys, they don't talk ONE guy. So if you're afraid of being accused, make sure it's clear that you're not focusing on one guy.
And anyway, if you have quality friends, you shouldn't be put in this position too terribly often :)
That is a very good point Merrill. You should make it known and your friends should understand that you do not want in anyway to talk bad about anyone boy or girl, young or old. You should want your conversation to be righteous and not degrading if you stand up for this in a correct attitude and not a holier then thou your friends will respect you for your stand.
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